Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Optimism v. The World

A few days ago I had a revelation. I'm happy. It's taken a lot since I've graduated college to move from part A of my life to part B. And the road hasn't been a smooth crossing either. But now, I'm doing just fine. Financially I am stable and emotionally, I am above average. There's even a new addition to my immediate family that I got to meet this weekend.

However, I had a set back yesterday. While it isn't definite and it could mean nothing in the long run, it put me on edge. Extreme edge. If it comes to fruition, my current lifestyle would almost dissolve if I did not find a quick fix.

In my most heated moments of worry and doubt, I kept flashing back to major rejections in my life. From depressing moments where I messed up a line in a play to another where I was turned away from a party by a group of grade A college douches.

The problem is that I always do this. It's like my brain takes note of the moment and then places that note in the file entitled: Disappointments. Because I'm curious and bored, I have to go through each one of the memory notes starting with a 1st grade teacher telling me that my hair was too messy... all the way through to my last time a guy ignored my phone call. It's exhausting in its own right.

I'm sure I am not the only one who does this or has a problem dwelling on the past. It's just that I cant stand how alone it makes you feel and how empty your heart becomes. It only emphasizes your pain and complicates your worries. In the case of last night, it turned an issue that should have been a second thought in to a full frontal issue.

I dont have a solution or advice for similar sufferers. I just wanted to put this out there and see who else becomes Egger like in self-pitty and loathing.

But to those who just want baby porn, here you go:

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