Fears

Sometimes I feel like my mom can easily pick out my biggest fear and just go at it. It's pretty much harmless. She brings up a concern and it's like... BAM... bye-bye self-confidence and hello self-loathing. It's like she has this special psychic power to know what's really bothering me so she can be sure to bring it up during our weekly phone conversations.

Today's biggest fear: That I will lose my musicianship. I'm not going to be afraid to say it here that I am frightened of not being a music teacher and not being a regular player in a band or orchestra. I miss clarinet and I am totally afraid that not playing in a band means I wont be at the same level ever again (though it wasn't at that high of level).

It kind of culminates with the fact that I've been upset that I am essentially wasting the wonderful degree I got (music education) on a job that means nothing to me. Four years spent crying over playing tests, pushing through lessons with the witch, dealing with gossip and pressure, pulling through music history papers, failing at auditions, etc... And I have nothing to show for it but one year teaching under my belt.

I'd like to continue playing in some capacity. I would love to teach a couple lessons here. But I have no connections in the city and all the community bands are tucked away in the suburbs. It's another con to put on my list regarding my new location.

I'll figure it out. I know I will. I just need a moment to mourn my loss of the dream job I always wanted. I just need some time to realize that what I worked so hard for wasn't what I got in the end. I just need some time to pay off the mountains of student loans I just flushed down the drain for my current desk job that's uninspiring and unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

End of ramblings.