I'd Like To Thank You All For Nothing

Today has been nothing to write home about. Work is getting a little less confusing as projects start pouring in. And I finally got my netID so I could set up an email and access the systems without my supervisor logging me in every time I accidentally "x-ed" out (which happens a ton).

I'm grateful that my supervisor is also totally in to soccer, like me. We were both talking about the World Cup and streaming today's games (WTF ITALY!) on our computers. He even suggested that we both "accidentally take the day off" on Friday to watch the US play Slovenia. I agree with him- it only happens every 4 years, so we've got to enjoy it now!

About half way through my day, I got a phone call from HR about my papers not being processed correctly, so I was sent on a 1/2 mile hike to their office building. It was such a dreary, foggy, rain-filled day that it was almost surreal. It gave me time to do a little reflecting on some problems that have popped up unexpectedly.

But really, the rain made me think of one of my favorite Wilco songs, "Misunderstood."

Well you're back in your old neighborhood
The cigarettes taste so good
But you're so misunderstood
You're so misunderstood

There's something there that you can't find
Honest when you're tellin' a lie
You're hurt but you don't know why
You love her but you don't know why

Short on long term goals
There's a party there that we oughtta go to
Do you still love rock and roll?
Do you still love rock and roll?

It's only a quarter to three
Reflecting off the O.C.D.
You're looking at a picture of me
You're staring at a picture of me

Take the guitar player for a ride
Cause He ain't never been satisfied
He thinks he owes some kind of debt
Be years before he gets over it

There's a fortune inside your head
All you touch turns to lead
You think you might
just crawl back in bed
The fortune inside your head

You know you're just a mama's boy
Positively unemployed
So misunderstood
So misunderstood

I know you've gotta God shaped hole
You're bleeding out your heart full of soul
So misunderstood (x4)

I'd like to thank you all for nothin'
I'd like to thank you all for nothin' at all


I take the lyrics to be kind of sarcastic. It reminds me of my friends who complain that there is no one that gets them or appreciates them. It also makes me think of those awkward times when you revisit done and over friendships and relationships. You're constantly gripping at strings, trying to get back what once was.

I dont think this song really describes me, per say. We all feel alone in this world, some more than others, and I've always been a bit independent with my feelings. I'm ok with being alone, dealing with it in my own way, finding other portals to vent. But when I need it, I make sure I get it.

This song has come up in my head over the last month because I have been struggling to get back to the independent side. I've become less emotionally sufficient than I once was. And instead of just moving on, I'm holding on to grudges or issues a bit more than I would like to. My goal for the rest of this month is to do some more meditation and get back to the point where I can feel less lonely in my own body and less reliant on the boyfriend, best friends, and phone contacts for companionship.